But damn all these idiot fanatics, who orders not to get to know the God they claim to serve better? What I really need is to think about this chaotic situation in which I find myself, alone in this dark room. I can't stand the light in my eyes, tired from looking at nothing that insists on standing before me like a false mirage. I don't know whether or not I deserve to go through all this depression. Given this, I only understand that I was born to suffer the rejection of everyone I love.

 The worst thing is that I loved so many times and was little loved, terrible has been the result of my efforts in trying to fulfill myself in love. How many couples are not together in their beds right now, enjoying each other, feeling the heat of their bodies that heat each other, increasing the fire of passion that unites them? In this cold dawn I am forced to endure the idea that I am unlucky, my fate is total isolation.

I am depressed, bitter to the extreme, my heart is crushed by pain and suffering. My self-esteem ceased to exist a long time ago. It is ironic for a man at my age to live without any leisure option.

Yes, that's right, I stop and think about leaving here to enjoy something, in order to distract and free myself from the boredom that consumes me little by little. But what if nothing else catches my attention?

Everything lost its grace: walking around, going to the mall, shopping or simply existing. Looking for new friends is a sacrifice. In fact, why have new friends? I don't want anybody hogging my life and, in my opinion, that's what they are for. Because they are unable to understand the pain of those who intend to help with their boring advice, they end up making things worse.

 They end up judging them instead of offering them a way out further complicate their dilemmas. Real friends, of those in whom we can trust blindly, it is difficult to find in a selfish world, where each person thinks only of himself.

The truth is that all forms of love in the world are corrupted. And human beings have ceased to value their fellowmen, each one simply looks at his own navel, takes care only of his square and damn the others. This, unfortunately, is the reality in which we find ourselves and we can do nothing to the contrary. It seems that I am not the only one to be lost within myself, all of humanity seems to have fallen into a maze of endless misconceptions.

 From where very few manage to value small things again, such as knowing how to love those who are by their side, helping them without any interest, serving as light in this dense darkness. From where very few manage to value small things again, such as knowing how to love those who are by their side. Helping them without any interest, serving as light in this dense darkness.

I, like many who are still lost in the narrow corridors of this sentimental labyrinth. I became unable to think of a way to find traces of true love. I am more like a burnt-out lamp, a candle without flame, a sun without shine. Similar to a lot of human debris that occupies undeserved space in this world. People like me did not deserve to be born, they are insignificant. But what can I do if I was born too weak to face my adversities?

If I have a weak personality, unable to react and overcome the obstacles that arise each new morning on my path, I consider the womb in which I graduated to be cursed. Before I had become an abortion, I would never have been born and become that distorted image of a man - Damn it! The dawn goes slowly, the hours pass at such a slow speed that it gives the impression that the hands are frozen.

Meanwhile, natural alarm clocks start to sound their alarms. There are so many roosters that sing in the various yards in the neighborhood. Poor neighborhood stuff, made up of workers whose wages are enough to keep the basics.

Of their livelihoods. Some live in rotten shacks like mine. Others, with a little more luck, build cheap bricks, that melt with the rains. It is so much poverty around me that I am stunned, but the truth is that there is a misery within me far worse than that seen outside.

Despite so many needs people continue to live their lives in a good way, they do not even seem to really feel the many difficulties they face daily. While I, unlike them, go through this agony.

 Caused by the disillusionment of the many times I was abandoned, like a coward I am only regretting every goodbye I heard from those I loved. Therefore, my inner state is much worse than the situation in which they find themselves. Strong palpitations shake my chest in the crazy urge to want to smile, to be happy.

 It was all in vain. But when I perceive the abyss of contempt in which I find myself, my thoughts are of death, of giving up the unfortunate life that I inherited, who knows who or where - Finally it was dawn! - I can already see the rays of the sun coming through the cracks in the shack boards. Its light is soon invading the small and cramped spot where I have been sleeping for several nights, due to this damn insomnia.

This lack of sleep plagues me early in the morning. My eyes burn, they look spicy, they burn like fire. My confused brain is lost in the laments of my chained soul, in my wounded pride of rejected male. I find myself sitting on this uncomfortable floor, punching the wall in thought.

 As if it were the faces of all those vagabonds I dared to fall in love with. When I started this mental torture routine I weighed seventy kilos, today, I lost enough weight to look like an HIV carrier, drying out minute after minute. I look back and wonder what I represent in this universe of contradictions, in this world of uncertainty.

Perhaps an unfortunate one who occupies an undeserved place among mere mortals — Some devil! — In this unfavorable existence, where I never win, everything I do seems to be useless, empty and meaningless.

 I continue in this constant search for something that can finally bring me reason to exist. And that ended up making me understand that none of this has worked so far and will never work. I am predestined to never get my choices right and for that reason this misfortune in love. I have been walking on an endless road, which ended up taking me nowhere, or maybe it led me to a reality that is the opposite of the one I wanted to find.

 Shadows and darkness permeate my mind, as always confused and fickle. I look like I'm crazy, but it's no wonder that I lose my mind after so long in isolation. I live trapped within myself and in this pile of insurmountable revolts. Another week comes to an end. And, as usual, nothing interesting I did or happened in my favor. Everything remains the same, the same slump that has followed me since before. When I still dreamed of the possibility of finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I am going to open the window a bit to allow the daylight to clear the old shack. Who knows, maybe change this negativity a little, which seems to be rooted inside my troubled being. I look at the street and see her naked, with no one walking around her, it is deserted, empty, strange for a Saturday. Although for me it is not more than a day without these amounts there, it is common like any other.

Am I uninformed to the point that I don't even know what's going on out there? Is it the day of the dead or is there a wake? But what more horrendous silence can this be? It is worse than the loneliness of my room, where not even the wind can blow and I am wandering daily for so many memories.

All my neighbors seem to be gone — but how wonderful! — Yes, I have reason to celebrate, because living next to these messy people is hell. Music, partying, drinking and a break from time to time. Things here are not easy for those who seek peace.

I will close the window to be quiet again, let my mind drift in the repetitive imaginations of the defeats I suffered, the loves I lost, the shame I went through. I will sit again on this hard and dirty wooden floor. I am going to open another bottle of wine, bought at the corner tavern for a ridiculous price. Sour as lemon and at the same time bitter like gall. I will be delusional as many times as I can, as many times as necessary. I will do this continuously until another night passes. Until another dawn comes to an end with the sunrise.

Until that serves to relieve my arduous stay on this trail of continuous disappointments. I take another sip of the cursed drink, I want to go back to the daydreams of before. I will try to understand what has become incomprehensible, to clarify doubts that seem mysteries and finally to know why everything around me is foggy. Am I being too childish to the point of murmuring about the ends and the means that brought me into this situation?

Am I, after all, deserving of these things and still have the luxury of complaining? If so, then let me be totally cremated in the fires of hell! May I be tortured to death, dragged by the waves of the sea. Trampled by the feet of the most worthy and spat out by the mouth of the just. But if I am in any way undeserved by so many disappointments that the dominators of the universe sympathize and free me from this condemnation.

 I drank like a condemned man who didn't even notice the night or the dawn of this new day. And to top it off, after dawn drunk without having slept and rested my body fainted by the sadness that consumes my soul.

My door is being punched again. Someone outside is determined to bother me when the day has barely started. From here it is not possible to identify, I need to move about four meters to and check:

 — Good morning, neighbor, Mom sent this to you

 — Ah, thank you very much, my dear!

 — Okay, I'll go to school and pick up the containers when I get back

 — Agreed, have a good class! - It was the hottie of Dona Bia's daughter, who lives nearby. Hot tomboy mare, just looking at it turned me on.

 My goodness, what an enormous capacity she has to awaken in me such a desire! Or did it just happen because I have been on the rock for a long time? After all, I don't even remember how long ago I went to bed with a woman. Since the time I sold my apartment and came to live in this end of the world, I will do it completely.

The widow has already realized that I am not eating well, although I do it out of sheer laziness to cook or to clean up the mess that is left over the sink. I always keep a thermos filled with black liquid. Maybe because of that I have insomnia and I stay awake for the rest of the morning. In fact, I think I have only masturbation to escape the constant excitement that keeps my sex always erect.

She'll be back in a few hours and I need to look more elegant to see if I can impress her. I watched the pair of legs of that brunette with long hair. Her buttocks swayed up and down with each movement. The elegance in his walk is inexplicable, just imagining what I would do on top of that monument I get my hair ruffled. But which woman does not arouse such desires? I have always been weak in the face of your charms and for that reason they have overwhelmed me to the point of crawling at your feet, being blinded by love and not containing my impulses.

Coming to the summit of surrendering myself blindly, stumbling over my own feelings like a blind man. An asshole and deluded. Like that character mentioned in one of the biblical stories, that Samson, I am constantly betrayed by them, they take all my strength. The worst thing is that these darnies are too delicious and it is impossible to live without them, I usually think that they are the most powerful weapon used by the devil to destroy us, men.

I can't control my hunger for sex, the horrible tare that burns in my guts and makes me fragile in front of them. I am always eager to have them every moment. Well, I'll take care of improving the look right now. Damn, now that I realize how many days I spent in this place without even showering and shaving, I'm ridiculous! She must have been terrified to see me like that, all disfigured.

I feel stunned by the infamous wine I drank all night. It is as if my head is stuck in a dungeon, waiting for the last blow of fate. That will definitely silence me forever, taking me out of the picture.

And that damn bathroom, made of rotten boards with huge gaps that allow those who pass on the street to see me naked. It is the height of poverty - Diacho! Ready, showered and changed, now just wait for the hot girl to come back from school to flirt and see if anything happens. I'll leave the window open in case she arrives suddenly, without my noticing. It's past seven and nothing.

 I put the neighbor's bowls in a bag and I'm ready. This so as not to falter and lose sight of the hottie. What if it works, if she makes out? The way I’m dry I’ll want to leave soon after all. Damn, there is a knock on the door, it must be her.

 — Hi, I was waiting for you!

 — Oh really? That Cool

 — Want to come in a little?

 — Do you want to flirt with me, neighbor? Because if your intention is to flirt with me, you can forget about it, you are not my type!

    But see how proud she is! Naughty, daughter of a mare! Who does this bitch think she should talk to me like that? See what gives these whores a lot of value? I took it in the face for free just to touch me. I better get back inside and keep busy with my loneliness. Look at me, all dressed up, I even wear my new shorts in this red, cheap, but brand new T-shirt. All just to try to impress the slut and what good was it if the bastard didn't even recognize my efforts? Plague of bad luck is the one that accompanies me.

 I never go in with these bitches, they always screw me. Really, she said in my face that I'm not her type? What an unhappy bitch! My place is really sitting here on this cold floor, lamenting my disillusionment on the many times that I fell apart. I deserve to continue with this wound that gradually expands until I reach the height of suffocating myself completely. In one moment, taking a sip of wine, in another, warm coffee for being kept in the bottle for so long. I am back in my restricted world of mental martyrdom, where I think more than I speak.

 The worst is that there is hardly anyone around to listen to what my inner voice says. Except the loneliness that knows my thoughts. Yes, she never leaves me. Only a huge emptiness keeps me company in this tiring routine. And in this marasmus I tend to vomit my constant delusions on my feet in drops of tears that fall from my sad eyes.

And by repeating this over and over again my eyes are already dry and unable to suffer the same pain with me. How and why is a guy so unlucky in relationships like me? - Did I throw stone on the cross or trample the devil? - I will not lie or deny that I have been loved and desired by some women with whom I have been involved in the past.

But they were all terribly ugly and boring.  It is that old chat, which says: We have no one we love and we reject whoever wants us. They are the contradictions of human life, a kind of play on the vague destiny. Damn it, if this is my fate then let it stay that way until the end. I admit to being fissured in feminine beauty.