LILLIE

It had been a month since I found out I was pregnant. For my family it was unexpected, leaving them very surprised, but in the end they made me feel their support and told me that I would never be alone.

I am grateful for their support and everything they have done for me, without them I would feel miserable and disoriented. This month has helped me to think things through. And now that we are living in Germany, things are getting better little by little.

They have become a little easier, compared to when the four of us were living alone.

Alex has stopped working to devote his time exclusively to my dear niece, and is now going back to his law studies. I am very happy for her. Sandy is happy because she has a room for herself and it is pink, but what she likes the most is that she is going to a private school, one of the most prestigious in the world. But the best of all is that now she smiles more because she spends more time with her mother. That's what they needed.

My mother is still in the clinic, where Lionel admitted her from the first day we arrived. We are barely two weeks in this place. Yet, even so, in such a short time our lives have changed. Mom is doing well in her chemotherapies, if she continues like this soon in a few more months they will be able to rule out the tumor. The advantage there is that it is not very big, and has not spread.

With Lionel, I have not had any closeness, when he tries to talk to me, to make a conversation, I ignore him and I move away from him. He has asked me to listen to him, but the truth is I still don't feel like doing it. Maybe when my mother is recovered, I can try to listen to them, for the moment I am not sure I will. He spends most of his time with my mother, that, on the one hand, speaks well of him, it means that he wants to repair the damage he did to her and take care of her.

And as for me, my life. It's just me and this unruly guy. I've been calling him that because lately he makes me spend all my time in the bathroom throwing back what I eat.

It's torture not to enjoy my food properly because it occurs to my unruly one to do his thing. Who knows how I'm going to do in life with a baby in my arms, and without his father. But I know I'm not the only one, nor the last woman in the world to go through this. I have to be strong for both of us.

I never heard from my baby's father again. I threw the phone he had given me in the trash, after I found out that those phone lines no longer existed. I don't know if they had changed the device so that I could no longer communicate or what. I can believe many bad things about him, but the truth is that I am no longer interested in thinking about him, I don't want to, I am only hurting myself. I don't have to think about myself anymore, now I have another life inside of me and he or she may be affected by my mood.

The doctor who treated me in New York told me so, and even more so because of my anemia. I have to take care of myself twice as much if I want a normal pregnancy without complications.

And since he also recommended that I find a gynecologist, here I am today. I am sitting in the waiting room of the office of a gynecologist, the one who will be in charge of the process and care of my pregnancy. I understand she is an acquaintance of Lionel's, he made the appointment. Although he was furious because of the abandonment of the father of my child, he has been looking out for me. I don't know what to believe about it, I don't know if he's doing it so I'll forgive him or if he's really doing it because he cares, as he said.

Alexa took the morning to accompany me, I told her it wasn't necessary, but she didn't want to let me come alone. She told me it's a beautiful thing to see the love of your life for the first time, she means the baby, it's like a date, she said. It is something inexplicable, she did not want me to feel alone, and she wanted to take my hand, while she enjoyed this moment that will be unforgettable.

The truth is that I would have liked to live this moment with Dante, but for obvious reasons that will never happen. Nor will he be at his birth, and the thought of all that hurts me. Nevertheless, I will not let myself fall. I will not suffer for him any longer. I will pretend I never knew him, and even though I have a little person growing in my belly reminding me that he existed at some point in my life. I will try my best to forget him and focus only on my life, on my son.

A nurse walks out the door of the gynecologist's office and calls my name. I push my thoughts aside and stand up with Alexa to follow her into the room.

As soon as we enter, we are greeted by the doctor with a cordial greeting.

- Good morning, please take a seat - she asks.

And we take a seat in front of her desk. My hands start to sweat, I'm nervous, I don't know why.

- Calm down, I am with you - answers Alexa, when she sees my restless hands, she takes them and smiles at me.

- Now I will ask you a few simple questions - says the doctor - First, when was the last date of your menstrual period?

- More than forty days ago, which is last month. - I reply.

She nods as she types something on her laptop.

- Well... the next question is - she pauses to ask - when was the last time you had sex?

I blush at her next question, how embarrassing to tell that to a stranger, I haven't even told Alexa.

- Like... a month... I think so... - she hesitated, I had felt a bit sorry for her.

She just kept writing. After that she asked me if I was taking vitamins and I told her what the previous doctor prescribed.

After her questioning, she asked me to go behind a curtain and put on a gown. I complied with his request and headed over there.

After I finish putting on the gown, I come out. The gynecologist asks me to lie down on a bed that is narrow and long. I follow everything she asks and then wait.

- By the time you tell me you have your late menstrual and conception period. Instead of doing a normal ultrasound, I will do a vaginal ultrasound. - I understood about vaginal, but since I didn't know much about it, I didn't understand why I couldn't do a normal one. - I'll explain why - it seems that he read my mind - You see, the time you have been pregnant is very little, and with a normal ultrasound the fetus would not be seen and we could not know if it is well and how many weeks you are more or less, the vaginal ultrasound does not tell us the exact period, it only brings us closer to something and it does not give us the due date, but it helps us to know how it is going. That is why it is recommended that every month the mother visits the gynecologist to follow her pregnancy with ultrasounds. - Then she said, "Now I just ask you to relax.

It was all very confusing, I know very well that medicine was; however, apparently this was much more so. This was not my specialty, but I knew something more or less.

I said nothing and just nodded to let him know that I understood and to go on with his work.

Minutes later, I felt the device enter me, it felt cold and uncomfortable to feel it, even so I concentrated and relaxed as the doctor had said.

She pointed to a screen for me to turn my head and look at, it was almost next to the bed. My sister came over to stand on the opposite side and took my hand.

The doctor began to move that cold instrument inside me, nothing was visible on the screen, I could only see a dark tone on it. Why can't I see it?

- There's nothing there," I said in anguish.

- Don't worry, it will show up in a moment. - He says - Look, here it is - he finally says while pointing with his finger on the screen - Or rather there they are. - he concluded. How? he corrected saying, there they are. That can't be right. - Congratulations, you will be a mother of twins.

- What... what are... two - I stammered. I was surprised by the news, I didn't expect this.

- I wasn't expecting this. This confirms it - she points to the monitor again - Here's one and here's the other. And the best thing about this, is that for the moment everything is going well - he finishes.

I can't see them very well, they are just a few dots, but I still feel nostalgic and I start to cry. I don't know if it's because I'm happy to find out that there will be two of them and to see them, or because I'm afraid of not being so good for them, of failing as a mother, of not knowing how to take care of them. It's a lot of things. Alexa squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. As if to say. It's going to be okay.

They will definitely come to change my whole life, they will be my reason to go on and the best thing is that it will be double. Making the decision to have them didn't take me long to do it, after seeing them and knowing that they will be twins, I don't regret choosing them.

━━━━━━ ▪︎★ ▪︎ ━━━━━━

Time, days, weeks and years may pass. But I can never forget him, no matter how hard I try as I had set out to do. It's hard to face this without him, I don't know why on earth I keep tormenting myself if he in all this season has never looked for me. That means that he never cared as much as I wanted him to, much less would he care about these little ones that grow more and more every day.

The days go by, and my nausea increases more, now I understand why, they are two against mom. Before they are born, these little devils will finish me off. I smile when I think of them. They were like a cure, an antidote for my ills, they were my hope and my future, only them.

My goal was to continue with my studies, to finish and get a good job to give them a life as they deserve. I don't want them to lack anything. Even though I have the support of my family and now Lionel's, I don't want them to carry my responsibilities, my little ones, that's just my duty. It will be them and me against the world. That's the way it will be forever.